It turns out that we set goals with the conscious part of our brain. But our subconscious has to approve those goals before we feel the natural motivation, energy and focus required to see them through.

Our subconscious doesn’t use logic or reason to decide if a goal is worth following, it relies mostly on our past experience.

By using our memories of similar situations, it decides in advance whether a goal is likely to make us feel good, or feel bad.

If a good experience is expected, the goal is approved. We feel driven, motivated, optimistic and hopeful. We start taking action naturally and with no resistance.

But if a bad experience is expected, the goal is rejected. We procrastinate, feel unfocused, pessimistic, lethargic, or we self sabotage.

By the time we reach adulthood, we’ve all had bad experiences. And those memories start to limit our ability to act.

“Once bitten, twice shy.”

The question is – can we move beyond our bad experiences? Can we get past our mistakes, and our failures? Is there any hope of a second chance? And if so, how do we do it?

Mary Cover Jones was an expert in helping people move beyond their bad experiences. She was a pioneer in the field of behavioral psychology. Here’s one of my favorite stories about her work…

The patient was a young boy, Peter, who was afraid of rabbits after a painful incident with a pet. Removal of this fear was the goal and the successful technique was as follows: Peter was seated at a small table at the end of a long room and served lunch. Just as he began to eat, a caged rabbit was brought into the room, and moved slowly forward until just far enough away to get his attention, but not stop his eating.

This point was marked and the next day the rabbit was brought a little closer. In this way the distance was gradually decreased, day after day, over several weeks. Eventually the rabbit could be placed on the table beside the food, and finally in the child’s lap. At the end of the experiment he would play with the rabbit with one hand and eat with the other. His fear had completely disappeared.

The simple idea behind Mary’s work with Peter, is the principle of gradual exposure.

Gradual exposure frees us from our past.

Gradual exposure lets us expand the bubble in which we feel safe, until we’re living the life we really want to live.

The key to gradual exposure is to never go so far that you’re not having fun any more.

Developing your skills, and moving towards your goals, should be thrilling but fun.

And the only time that it isn’t, is when we trigger our own resistance. When we try to go too far, too fast.

So, how do we “sit with the rabbit” like Peter? How do we overcome our fears and move beyond our own bad experiences?

We use a framework that lets us break down our progress into manageable steps. That allows us keep moving forward, especially if progress seems unbelievable, or overwhelming right now.

We call it a practice loop…

First we need to make sure you’re heading in the right direction and setting goals within your control. Certain types of goal will improve your quality of life even if you never reach “the end”. But others are a high predictor of depression, anxiety and failure, even if you achieve them.

It’s best to avoid goals that are needy, or rely on other people’s approval. Like proving your basic worth, competence or likability. Or goals that require other people to change. These outcomes are not in your control.

Do set goals that are about your own growth. Your desire to learn, to be the best person you can be. Goals to develop your skills and experience, so that you can be more comfortable in a wider variety of situations.

Do set goals that increase your level of control. Control is a strong subconscious drive that we all seek to keep us safe. We use different strategies, like seeking power, freedom and predictability to achieve it.

Power goals allow us to move other people and their resources for our benefit, like running a company, a campaign or a country.

Freedom goals allow us to move ourselves, physically and mentally, like improving our health, or our ability to travel.

Predictability goals are about knowing what’s going to happen next, like having a stable position or living in a small conservative town.

Once you’re happy that you’re moving towards a goal that’s within your control, list all the skills you’ll need to learn, and all the actions you’ll need to take, in order to truly deserve that outcome.

Your first step has to be small, and easy to act upon. You should be dipping your toes in the water, not diving off a cliff. The rabbit should start out in a cage, at the far end of the room, while you enjoy our lunch.

So once you’ve listed all the skills you’ll need to learn, and all the actions you’ll need to take in order to deserve your outcome, ask yourself – what’s the first step I can easily take? And can I break it down even further, into a micro-skill, or micro-action? Something I guarantee I will act upon, because it’s small enough to manage?

If your goal were to be a great basketball player, you’d have to master the skill of basketball. But what are the micro-skills that make up the game play?

You might decide that playing basketball involves the micro-skills of: passing, dribbling, shooting and defending. And later the ability to do these things in front of a crowd and under pressure.

To become a masterful player, you’d have to study those individual skills to understand their details. And you’d have to practice them, over and over, every day so that they become automatic responses.

So, choose the first action you can comfortably and happily take, or the first micro-skill you want to start learning and write it down.

When choosing your first step, keep in mind what you’ve already tried in the past.

You don’t want to run right back to the same thing you’ve been procrastinating over for days, weeks or months. It’s more effective to try something new, something novel.

Remember, our subconscious is trying to stop us making the same mistakes over and over. But trying something that feels “new” is a cheat code that lets us keep moving forwards.

The trick is to try something “just new enough”. Bypassing past memories and creating fresh hope. But don’t jump to a completely different goal, or it becomes impossible to stick with anything for long enough to master it.

So, look for a new way to approach the same problem. This can be as simple as doing the same thing at a different time of day, or from a new location, or using a new technique, from a new source. As long as you’re trying something “new enough” to trick your subconscious into thinking you’re not just banging your head against the same old wall.

“New” feels fresh, inspiring, re-energizing. A new page, a new day, a new year, a new start, a new hope. Make sure your first step is going to involve something new and inspiring and write it down.

Now that you’ve established what you need to do, you need to know how to do it.

This step is all about finding the most useful knowledge from the best people. It’s about finding out how to act for the best chance of success.

It involves watching the best instructional videos. Reading great books. Learning from the world’s most successful mentors. Anything to gather information about the micro-skill you’ve chosen.

Our biggest enemy, in this preparation phase, is the temptation to dive in and start practicing before you have any foundational knowledge. To start playing the game before you’ve learned the basic rules of the game.

The more effort you put into finding and reading the right “instruction manual”, the faster you’ll move towards your goal.

Historically we would only have access to the knowledge of people close to us. The successful hunters, gatherers, warriors, peacemakers, cooks or carers in our family and small tribe.

But today we have access to mentors and heroes in every conceivable skill set, from all around the world, and from throughout history.

But even though we have access to all this knowledge, our subconscious still looks for people who seem familiar to us. We want to identify with our heroes and mentors. They must give us a sense that they are “just like us” but have achieved the things we want to achieve.

The more we can see that our heroes are just like us, the more likely we are to trust their process when things get hard.

Find one or more concrete examples of people you admire, who inspire you. People who seem to have similar traits to you. Who’ve already achieved the life you want to live, or something very close to it. And dive into their teachings. Learn how they practiced the first micro-skill you want to master.

Do not move onto the practice phases without knowing how to practice first. Winging it, is for amateurs. Preparation is for professionals.

This stage is all about trying out the ideas you’ve just learned from your chosen mentor. You’re practicing in the real world and seeing what happens.

It’s important not to get emotionally invested in the end result. If we bring back our basketball metaphor – you’re not interested in trying to score points yet, you’re just getting used to the “feel of the ball” and having fun.

How much does it weigh? How does it move through the air? What’s the strain on your body? What’s the right amount of effort required to shoot from one distance or another?

At this early stage your skill level is low, and every attempt will need a lot of focus. You’re likely to miss far more than you hit your target. And this can make us feel insecure and incompetent.

So, unless you have access to a really supportive coach or mentor, it’s perfectly ok to practice this phase in private, without getting outside feedback. You don’t want to expose yourself to negative criticism and judgement from others. And you don’t want to criticise yourself.

It’s more important to enjoy yourself, and create positive memories, than it is to get things perfect. We need to keep our attitude light and be willing to laugh at our early attempts, especially when we break things.

The primary feeling should be one of curiosity and experimentation. You’re playing and having fun.

Keep practicing in private, focusing on getting the feel for your new micro-skill and having fun. When you’ve developed the habit of turning up, day after day and you’re comfortable with the basics, move onto the next level of practice.

This stage is all about repeating the micro-skill until you can perform it automatically.

You can start practicing with people you trust now, in an environment designed for learning. An environment where you can get honest feedback from others who want you to succeed.

The attitude should be one of persistence. Amateurs practice until they get it right. Professionals practice until they can’t get it wrong.

How you respond to your “hits and misses” will decide how long you persist.

Let’s imagine again that the micro-skill you’re practicing is throwing a ball into a hoop…

If you make the shot, then the right reaction is to tell yourself, “Yes! that’s just like me”. It’s not so much about what you say, but how it makes you feel. It should feel positive and rewarding, like you’re winning, but also that winning is natural for you.

You don’t want to jump up and down and make a really big deal of it. You want to teach yourself that this is useful, enjoyable and fun, but not some surprising superhuman behavior that rarely happens.

The more you enjoy performing the process, and the more natural it feels to you, the more likely you are to repeat it in the future.

If you miss “the shot”, you mentally wipe the slate clean and move right on to the next attempt. Case closed, next case. Do not criticise yourself, get frustrated, or dwell on what went wrong.

You can start to record and monitor your performance in this phase. But at the same time you’re not going to get overly attached to your results. It’s just a tool to help you notice how you’re executing your process.

Keep practicing until you’re comfortable with your skills and then move onto the next level to raise the stakes.

It’s time to execute your skill for real, in public. It’s time to test yourself. To play the game to win. To perform, compete, publish, go on the date, make the speech, run the race or deliver the big pitch.

That sort of performance always comes with an additional set of pressures. Beyond the safety of practicing with your friends, you’re facing the threat of failure and public judgement.

Your body will release adrenaline, enabling you to think and move faster than normal. Helping you deal with the extra pressure and reinforcing the many hours you’ve spent practicing.

If you’ve done your preparation, if you’ve been “sitting with the rabbit” and gradually increasing your exposure, then by now you should be able to execute your process without too much conscious thought.

The attitude should be that this is just another level of practice. You should give 100% effort. But no more, and no less. Over-trying should be avoided, or you’ll become tense and rigid in our execution.

Make sure to choose a level of public pressure that is suited to the amount of practice you’ve done so far.

The aim is to stretch yourself, without breaking. You want to move forwards, without going too far, too fast and triggering your subconscious defences. The experience should be thrilling, but fun.

Aim for one public performance, where you can practice your new micro-skill while under pressure, or while being judged in public.

In the final stage of the practice loop, you review your performance before moving up to the next level.

After you’ve performed, you might want to briefly rest and recover your strength. (There will often be a dip in energy after the heightened emotions of action, competition or public performance). It’s the perfect time for a vodka martini.

After a short break, you can look at your performance objectively and honestly. Your attitude remains the same, this is all just practice, a game that will expand your comfort bubble and move closer towards your goals.

Our enemy at this stage is our tendency to focus on the negative, on what we did wrong and how we fell short. A natural response to prevent us making more mistakes in the future.

So when looking at your performance, you should pay most attention to what you did right and the progress you’ve made.

Focusing on what you did right isn’t about becoming blind or deluded. You can notice, and correct, what went wrong. But we tend to get more of what we focus on, so never dwell on it for too long.

There is always another level of skill development. Another level of nuance and mastery that we can reach. But the process should remain one of fun, and steady progression. You will continue to be motivated to do the things that make you feel good. And you will resist things that are too far beyond your present skill level and make you feel bad.

Once you’ve reviewed your first performance, it’s time to start the loop again, moving up to the next level or onto the next micro-skill. You’re creating an upward spiral of skills and positive memories that will fuel your motivation and confidence.

Credits

A big thanks to…
Mary Cover Jones for her behavioral work with Peter and the rabbit.
Prescott Lecky for his theory of self consistency.
Carol Dweck for her growth mindset theory.
Lanny & Troy Bassham for their work on high performance.
Josh Waitzkin for his work on high performance.
Luca Dellana for his theory of expected emotional outcome.
Daniel Coyle for his writing on high performance.
BJ Fogg for his work on habit formation.